Moving Beyond Grief and Mourning to "I Miss You"

Hi - It's been a minute hasn't it. Before I begin this particular blog I would like to introduce myself. I am Iyanifa Owinni Adina Durosinmi Fa Omi Sango. I am an Ifa, Orisha, and Egungun Priestess (Ancestors). I am a certified Diaspora Death Doula as well.

Truth be told, my relationship with death has been tenuous at best. Growing up as an Israelite, there wasn't conversation about our loved ones going somewhere. They were just dead and gone. That terrified me. I would have nightmares about it. Just being in the dark and nothing.

Without going into a long story about my relationship with death and dying, know that it is an area that I work on. For many of us in the Black American community, we each have "interesting" ways we relate to death and dying. As always, this is a wound that stems from the enslaving of our Ancestors.

Ancestor veneration has been medicine for my spirit and my conscious self. My unconscious self knows and thus sees from a different perspective. So Ancestor Veneration has allowed that knowing to leave my unconscious, move into my subconscious and allow for healing to take place consciously.

When I first began, the biggest area of grief for me was that of my son Gabriel. Followed closely by my grandparents and others. Learning that:

1. Your Ancestors simply changed realms. They exist in Spirit just not in their body.

2. They are existing and are close to the Most High.

3. They can hear me when I talk to them.

4. Yes, I am actually dreaming about them. Moreover they are communicating to me.

5. Sme signs are actually loving reminders from them.

6. They want me to be happy and to live my best life.

7. They want to help me do that.

8. Letting go of grief and mourning doesn't mean I will never miss them. I'm just not holding them hostage in my pain.

We don't grow up learning how to heal from grief and Ancestralize our Ancestors. So much of ancestor vernation of African or African descended ancestors has been demonized. Yet all around us, we venerate "their" ancestors. It's just a bad thing to do it with the black ones. I'll be honest, the fact that some don't even see it, it bugs me. I'm learning to give more grace.

Spending time just telling my grandparents about my day just allowed me to stop mourning them. It also helped their spirits to elevate. When I began including my son, major healing began. This year I realized I did not grieve him on his birthday. I missed him. That's such a different energy. There is lightness in that feeling. It isn't hard or heavy the way grief and mourning feels.

I see so many people I know holding on to grief and mourning. I see the comments to say you never stop. Honestly I just wish you would stop hexing your Ancestors and let their Spirits elevate. I can see the healing in Ancestor veneration. I see why our Ancestors did it.

And I wish more of us knew the damage that has been done by not venerating our Ancestors.

I have found freedom in my ancestral practice. Freedom to mourn and grieve. Freedom to also laugh and love. Freedom to simply miss my loved ones without waying them or myself down.

As Father's Day is here, my hope is that those who haven't moved from mourning into missing, find ways to do so. I would love to see more Black people honoring our Ancestors so that more of them could go back home to the realm of the Ancestors.

One day though...

We'll be able to just miss our loved ones and pay homage to their memories.

Ase!