Calming while Embracing the Storm Within| Anger & Me

I think the scene is from the Avengers when they ask Bruce about changing into the Hulk and he says, "I'm always angry". I laughed because I could relate. It's funny how often people used to say that I didn't get angry. So, not true

I have a long and evolving relationship with Anger. Last night I was in my friend's class and he was talking about ethical behavior in Ifa; ways to be and ways not to be. He mentioned feelings we strive to not give in to and anger is one of them..

Notice, I didn't say strive not to feel. Emotions are, in some respects not all, out of our control. However, how we choose to behave in those moments is completely within the bounds of our control.

He gave an example, a parable:

"There is a cracked sidewalk. Two people are going to walk in its vicinity. The first person is hits the crack, stumbles, and is like "Oh, a crack". Shakes it off and keeps on going. The second person stumbles and is basically like, "What in the entire 7 hells is this" (I'm paraphrasing, you get the point though."

Now there are some things that truly are a crack in the sidewalk. Others can be a bit harder to shrug off.

There's an Itan in an Odu. I will give you the shortest version.

In it the cutlass is in the wrong place at the wrong time and is accused of unaliving the King's son. The royal guard picked him up in a drunken stupor off the street. He was the only other person out after dark when they found the Prince's body, so they arrested him. Naturally of course. The King is distraught over the loss of his son, who wouldn't be. So he sentences the cutlass to a literal trial by fire. Live and you're being honest that you weren't involved, die and you must be guilty. The cutlass does live after Esu intercedes. The King, having come to his senses, realizes that in his sorrow and rage he almost killed an innocent man.

Our feelings, our emotions can sometimes get the best of us. Anger is one of the ones that can have some long standing consequences if not handled in an appropriate matter.

Like I mentioned, there was a running joke that I don't get angry. Actually, to even broaden it further, I don't get upset. I'm always cool under pressure. I'm always Ok. During our Sister Circle yesterday, I spoke on that being something I need to shed, that I'm always Ok. Truth is there are so many things happening around me at once, I feel like I don't have the luxury or grace to not be ok. I gotta be together.

This is one of the most truthful images of me sometimes, definitely over the last month. Eh, probably off and on all year if I'm being really honest. And it is so unhealthy because I am bottling all of that in. Can you imagine what not honoring, acknowledging, accepting, and having space to work through that storm does to someone's mental, emotional, and physical body.

Hellooooo High Blood Pressure!

Oh hello there random pains that have no source. Stomach is that you nauseous all the time. Great day in the morning, is the room spinning uncontrollably.

I've told this story before that my youngest was born early because of my Blood Pressure. He was like I gotta get out of here.

When I am like this for too long, everything starts to suffer. The reason is there is no way I can hold something like that in.

But, I'm a recovering people pleaser. That's part of the reason I don't let it be seen. That would make people unhappy. I'm going to upset someone, because heaven forbid the person that upset me is upset. So, I swallow it. I choke on it. It gets lodged in my throat and I do everything I possibly can to hide her.

She is part of me, and she deserves to have a voice. Not the passive-aggressive kind either. I'm mad at you, so instead of telling you what you did in the moment to actually fix the issue, let's hold on to it. It's one thing if I tell you and you still reject any accountability or aren't willing to discuss resolution. It's another if I never give you the opportunity to rectify a situation you know nothing about.

This is one of the things I take accountability for in my first marriage. I ran away from the conflict and did not communicate to him what I wanted, needed, etc. When things happened that hurt, I didn't say a word. I just hid. The emotions would be so volatile, I would have to go out in my car and scream and cry. Then I would come back inside like nothing had just happened. So, when at the end (6 years later) I'm finally voicing these things, too little too late. Does he have any accountability, duh. This is MINE though.

You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, and neither can the other person.

And contrary to popular belief, ethical seers are not reading you just because they know you. They are as human as you are and have their own things. So, speak up. I see the posts and they are like, "You didn't see that coming?" Bruh, no. I ain't reading you all the dang time. Do you know how exhausting that would be when you can simply open your mouth and say what it is you gotta say.

And I'm so guilty of this LOL. Not even the saying but impressing on the person how important something is. Like this is important to me. This way they have an opportunity, if and when possible, to move accordingly.

People pleasing is hard because it is impossible to please everyone. Couple that with the tiny rage monster being tucked away and you have a very precarious set of circumstances.

Let's discuss how this shows up in ways to make you see it. You attract people who are emotionally aloof. They don't open up because you don't. Or they have poor emotional regulation, go from 0 to 100, act on the 100, and don't do the work to bring back to center. LOL. I am learning to emotionally regulate. I need it for me. I need it so I can help my sons do it.

My littles aren't so little. They are 7 and soon to be 9. The hormones are slowly ramping up. my soon to be 9 year old has really big emotions. He gets into that red zone quick. He triggers me into the red and I have been working on realizing he can't come down to green if I'm also in the red. I have a house full of empaths. They know when I'm in functional depression. They can feel the anxiety and stress and sadness wafting off me. So when I go into the same zone as them, I am simply prolonging things. I have to one, acknowledge I'm in the red so that I can do what I need to do to come out of it.

His occupational therapist and I spoke this past week about the last time he was in the red and what we had to do. First was I needed to disconnect for a moment. Let myself realize how elevated I was so I could come down. Then I took him outside. It was cool and I wanted him to be cool. I asked him where his feelings were, what zone he was in. He immediately said red and that was good. He was able to say it. When I was able to get him back inside I pulled out my prayer mat and made him sit on it with me. No matter how long it took I was going to sit there and help him out of that zone. Between oriki and reiki I was able to calm him enough to shower. Afterwards, new kid.

She told him how impressed she was and said I should include sharing what zone I'm in so he can see I'm modeling behavior to get myself out of the red zone. That was such an important thing. i need to share my emotions with him so he can see me come back to center.

Now imagine your kids, who struggle with emotional regulation sometimes, melting down, sometimes simultaneously and you are alone. Let's sprinkle some single mom income stresses and financial worries. Add a dash of loneliness. Some overwhelm. Parent in the hospital for kicks and giggles we'll add that in. A bit of trauma from a hurricane. Yeah that's seems nice. What does that storm feel like?

I'm ok though. Everyone, at least the ones who ask me, I'm ok.

Until I'm not. I got to worrying because I had some not great feelings in my chest. You know we don't play in that realm. Still, I couldn't afford to go to the doctor. Thank Olodumare for Osanyin (Spirit of Herbal Medicine). This is not medical advice. Some cayenne pepper, cinnamon, honey; mix in a paste and I was taken it before bed every night to help remove that feeling in my chest. I did finally get to where I could check my blood pressure and yeah it was stupid. Got some medicine but truthfully, what I need were things around me to be reset in a way where I could be in my calm.

That's still not the first step though. The first step is admitting where I am emotionally. I don't like being angry so I don't let it show. Anger though is really volatile sadness. I had to admit I was feeling feelings LOL. It wasn't until I let myself cry that I could finally feel lighter. That's necessary, but everything leading to that was such unhealthy behavior.

It's not that I'm not allowed to get angry. What I do with it is where the issue comes in.

The great orator Kendrick Lamar said, "Sometimes you gotta pop out and show iggas". Even Ifa regularly reminds me to stand up for myself.

I'm consciously doing work on myself to help me be a more fully realized me. It's messy but necessary so that I can genuinely walk in my Iwa Pele (good and gentle character). That means I can't walk on eggshells with others, especially since I absolutely detest it being done to me.

I feel like I'm so easy to talk to that it genuinely pisses me off when that doesn't happen. Only now realizing that they are literally reflecting my own shadows back to me.

Me communicating my true emotions doesn't mean I'm gonna start cussin' folks out and whatnot. We don't give in to anger. We acknowledge it. I can calmly say, "Ay that really vexed me and this is why".

And before someone asks me.... No I'm not mad at you LOL

Even if I was, it's mute now. I should've already said something. True and genuine feedback is given timely. So if I don't give it timely, it's not really feedback. Feedback is given to help a situation. If you don't give it timely, it may have an impact but it won't have nearly the positive impact it would have if you hadn't stepped up and given the feedback in the moment. One of those corporate gems that really does apply in life.

My former BFF was actually really good at doing this. I would tell him something and if it was good behavior, he would praise me, in the moment. If it wasn't, he would let me know, in the moment, so I could make impactful changes. No, I didn't always like it. It was always appreciated though.

Anger and I will dance as I continue to learn to honor my full self. I am grateful to Ifa, because even when I am in a space of functional depression, it is my spiritual practice that helps me to see myself ... eventually.

I feel like Baba Sango is helping me with this. Plenty of stories of him learning to not pop off, as well as stories of the ramifications when he does. Oshun helping me with honoring myself and what feels good for me, plus communicating when it doesn't. Obatala reminding me I am not supposed to be perfect, and thus no one else is either. Give some grace and compassion. The right people in your life will extend the same back to me.

Highlights and Takeaways

• Be honest about your feelings. Both with yourself and others in your life.

• That said, sometimes check on the people you care about. We all going through stuff.

• Do not give in to anger. Acknowledge it. Find the source and address it.

• Find your calm. What emotional regulation techniques work for you.

• Don't judge yourself for being angry, sad, or anything else. You are human.

• No spiritually bypassing. Feel it and deal with it.

• Pay attention to triggers. They are your shadows trying to see the light.

• Feedback is a gift. Give it as such. Timely and with sincerity.

• It is ok to not be ok.

• Call in your support, be it human or Divine. You do not have to go it alone.

• ASK where people are currently. We are sometimes so far in our own stuff we forget everyone else is as well. Do share your feelings, but first ask if the person is in a position to hold what you are about to lay on them.

• Healers need Healers to.

If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading, I'll drop more consistent blogs again after the holidays.

I hope that this week, regardless of how you spend it, is one filled with blessings and good fortune.