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I've talked before about the difference in feeling fear and danger. Let's say I was very much reminded of that difference very recently. I am fine. We are fine.
In the moments there after said situation I went through a variety of feelings. My emotions ran the gamut with guilt being the most prevalent. This is where having a spiritual practice comes in. I allowed myself to breathe. In a moment where, I was most vulnerable and really wound up, I had to breathe. I was looking for my center. Calming down.
A question came up in my person. Did I feel safe? I realized that I had a very real wound lurking in my being around feeling safe. When I was very young I had a few things that shook my feeling of safety.
If you've been reading my blogs you know that I was not only violated in my early teens, I was assaulted, stalked, and almost assaulted later by a group.
Someone I knew (and loved) broke into my childhood home and robbed it. Through an ax in the back window and ... yeah
More than one partner putting their hands on me.
So with that 1st one, I feel like I am even still working through the need to feel safe in my body. Feel safe in my skin. Feel safe sexually. I would say that the feeling of safety comes up with me in being a Switch if I had to show how it manifests. Sometimes I want to be the one dominating. I need to be in control because i know what the lack thereof used to feel like. Sometimes, I need to be able to submit. This is the one arena where I allow that to happen. I need to feel safe in doing so. To let my guard down. Let my walls down. I recently came to terms with the fact that I can not climax via "insertion", because of the violation to my person. I have to work through that.
Transparency - Number 3 I didn't have their originally. I added it. Not even thinking it was a wound that needed addressing. As I'm typing it, I'm seeing how it may still be showing up. So yeah this is what shadow work is like. Letting the things bubble up.
The latter one is the most recent feeling that has come up. I didn't think this was a thing. Not until recently and it was the memory that came up first. Then, someone triggered like a combo I guess of the two.
Scenario is there was this guy on my Facebook list. I didn't really know them. I think I accepted the friend request one of those days where I was feeling friendly. We had like a gang of mutuals. Apparently one day he and one of my mutuals were conversing about me and the mutual mentioned where I live.
Pause - He didn't like give him my address, but it was just enough to pinpoint me apparently. Still. There isn't like a barrage of people that know where I live.
I'm out, getting my nails done and this individual messages me like what's up. I'm like hey, what's up. He asked what I'm up to. I say getting my toes done. He then proceeds to be like great, I'll be there when you get finished. I'm sorry, what now??? He says it again, in which I am immediately feeling uneasy and violated. Like it was instant. I calm down. No you're not. Among the many reasons top is, I didn't invite you. I throw in I have a boyfriend, because, let's be real, in some instances a woman mentions having a man as a form of protection from other men. It's sad but true.
Note: My closest friends are men. When I lived alone years ago, I gave them keys and told them to just pop up periodically so that there was always a man coming by. I didn't want anyone to think here was not a man around.
Dude doesn't respond for a bit. Then comes back with, I didn't ask you about your boyfriend. I'm now like, he's crazy. And I'm on alert. This particular weekend my ex was here watching the kids. He's giving one son a bath and I see a car pull into my drive way. I live in a court. Cars riding by and such are common. My neighbor getting close but back up, common. Someone pulling actually in my driveway, not so much. They didn't stay. My ex was here and I honestly felt like that was why. I didn't totally freak, but I did internally. I later told my ex that I should have no one coming to my house. No deliveries. No visitors. He understood.
Since that evening I've been a bit hyper vigilant. I don't think I paid it any attention honestly. Something I noted doing again was not sleeping in my room when the kids are gone. It was like I had to be on the couch. I did that for months when I had to get used to being here alone.
I don't know how to put into words what it feels like to not feel safe. I'm black and a woman. There's a two fold sense of preservation in my life. Then add being a mom and yeah. I've noticed that my dream self is very much in her warrior bag. I will "F" somebody up in my dreams if I feel in any way that my safety on any level is being threatened or infringed upon.
I keep asking why these dreams.
Part is some past life stuff.
My shadow though. She/I need to feel safe and that, if our safety is threatened, that we can protect ourself. In my dreams, shoot. you don't want these problems. I will handle you on all fronts. You will be ended and then I will be the one that comes to your service, dressed in white, and ancestralizing you. Balance.
I even recently had to let some chicks in my dream know, you look at me like you wanna come for me spiritually and I will end you. Tossed her across the room with simply a thought.
Dream me is me. She is the me that I keep buried deep in my being. I speak on the fact that I was concerned about doing "left hand" work. It's funny that in Ifa there is an Odu that mentions you need both the left and the right hand. In hoodoo, it's the same. You have to understand both hands.
I'm very aware that with great power comes great responsibility. I know this. Which is why I was hesitant to even consider the possibility. It wasn't until my godsister reminded me that to call on protection is "left hand" work. She asked me what do I think happens, they can't see me. I was like WOW.
Still... even my ancestors have said that I can do more in my work. I don't know why I feel like dream me would be vengeful. In my dreams, I'm not. I balance the scales when my, my children, or even someone else's safety are violated. I don't start it, but I do finish it with a strong period.
Being aware of my triggers, helps me to consider the healing, releasing, affirming, etc. that I need to do in order to feel more illuminated in my being. The very real feeling of danger, I couldn't call dream me up. Only a whisper.
So, what can I do in order to integrate her more in my waking life, so I have full access to that part of me in a healthy manifestation.
Protection work. There is something I have been needing to do for awhile and it's time I got it done. I do protection work but this one in particular I need to do.
When, I'm doing mediumship, set strong boundaries and then let myself really flow. Knowing I am safe with my team.
Get self defense training. I need to feel like I can protect myself physically.
Ax throwing. I learned we have a spot in town. You may be asking why that. Simple. In my dreams I'm not bottling my anger. I let that joint ride and direct it at the person(s) who need to be checked. I may do a gentle check here and there, but I haven't really chin checked anyone. It's always there, under the surface, wanting to rise up like a hurricane with flames around it. Ax throwing is a great medium let out frustration. Plus it will help me build strength.
Release work. Doing the energetic work to pull the trauma from my body.
Therapy. Having someone to talk to about the situations and work through the mental processing of them.
Now, because I think I attract some folks that think themselves chosen or star seeds, I want to make this abundantly clear. I in No Way feel ick about life, Earth, Humans, or any of the Creator's Creation. I love my vessel. I love my planet. Yeah there are people that have done things that really hurt me on a deep level. It doesn't negate that, they to are one with the Source. I'm not going to hide from people. I'm not going to become a hermit. I'm not going to subject my kids to a mom that won't let them experience life.
As for me and my house, lol, we live. We experience joy, laughter, bliss, love and the wonders of life. I am safe. Safe in my home. Safe in my car. Safe in my body. Safe in my Spirit. Safe with my Spiritual Court. Safe with men, women, everyone.
I know I am protected. I simply have some illumination work that I'm still doing. I don't feel behind. I don't feel like I'm back tracking. Actually, this morning, though my body is showing me where I'm holding some things, I feel good.
Inspired action for You:
Men - realize that the idea of forcing yourself on a woman is not simply physical. It can be mental as well. I'm not talking about compliments. (A compliment and ... taunt aren't the same). I love a compliment. I even love a "Hey shawty". But to say I'm coming to your house uninvited and I don't know you, not ok. Gotta be more cognizant of how you move. And, get a woman friend to help you with that. One who can see beyond her own hurt to give you really solid advice.
Everyone - shadow work is important. We all have things lurking there wanting to be in the light, but can't because we through walls up internally to hide them. Doing this illumination work can be challenging. If you do not have a genuine spiritual practice (Crystals are a tool, not a practice. Moon magic, cool, but unless you are working with her daily, not a practice. Something where you consistently hold space to connect with your Higher Self and the Source is a practice.) I encourage you to cultivate one. One authentic to you. I encourage you to go to therapy, even if you think you don't need it. Shadow work is challenging enough, with a support system in place. Not having one, can make it extremely daunting.
Pay attention to your triggers, waking and in dreams. Note them. Do the work to go backwards and find the root so you can pull it up into the light.
Hopefully this little bit of vulnerability inspired, encouraged, and empowered you. Drop a note in the comments so I know you came by. Have a great day.