Love Notes| Reflecting on Love

Happy New Year! I'm currently in a month of evolution in terms of partnerships and connections, so it makes sese that my first blog of the year would be about love.

For my folks that ask. I promise I do in fact sleep. LOL. I woke up at 3 something. Not sure of the exact time. I only know that when I went into my kitchen the TV said it was 3:33. The Empress is the 3 card in the tarot and ruled by Venus. I also woke up thinking about writing. I couldn't remember my dreams as much as I could words on paper. So, here I am.

Love. A subject I greatly love, but I realized I shy away from discussing outside of poetry. At least I do from a personal sense. Still, thinking about love in general makes me feel warm inside. This morning, I was reflecting on how my ideas around love and relationships are changing.

Let's do a quickie on something I realized in the last couple weeks. I'll be 44 on my birthday. When I turned 21, I met my ex girlfriend. She and I were together off and on for almost 14 years. Over a decade. We lived together almost that entire time give or take some breaks.

My ex husband and I were together for 7 years. We lived together all but 3 months of that time.

When you take just those two relationships, that's 21 years of my life that I spent not simply in a relationship, but likely living with that individual. That's literally my entire adult live in a position of a "wife" if you will and "mother". My ex girlfriend had children whom I love to this day.

Why do I share that? Well, because that experience, coupled with other "relationships" and things has colored how I move when I'm in love. For better or for worse, there are things I learned and am unlearning from them.

I'll do a separate blog on my love astrology. That adds another layer on to my journey.

I look at where I am today. I've been seeing someone for over a year now. It dawned on me that this is he absolute longest I've been with someone, in my adult life, that I didn't also live with. Folks in the middle of the two long term ones, we didn't go a year. Even the person I'm seeing now, we weren't serious about each other before and thus we didn't stay in contact but in short bursts.

What happens when all you know is to be immediately "wifed up" if you will and that doesn't happen? Ego... Ego will see a break in the cycle and ego works off of cycles. It understands from experience. This is why breaking a cycle can result it a "ego death" because it is so uncomfortable with our mind. Cycles is how we learn. What we don't realize is that we aren't meant to stay in every pattern. We are meant to transcend them.

Now, if I were to listen to some of these "dating coaches" that are popular now a days, my ego would absolute win and I'd stay on the karmic hamster wheel. Feel my condescending tone in each if you will.

• All men know within 6 months if they want to marry you. Clearly he doesn't see you as long term potential.

• If he loved you he would ...

• Did you cook for him? Why you giving him wife benefits when y'all don't even live together?

The list can go on and on. I simply don't have the energy to listen to them and my intuition. That is what I didn't do in any of my previous relationships. I didn't trust my intuition. I look back and it was loud as heck. Some days they weren't whispers. Full blown sentences. However, I was also really insecure so I couldn't tell the difference. I didn't even know I had like true intuition. It was just something you heard in a movie.

Still, the questions were there. Is he serious about me? Does he care? Am I making the right decision? What if he never wants to get married? Etc. Etc. I couldn't remain present in what was because I was too busy analyzing it. (Hi... I'm a retired over thinker.)

What changed? What caused the shift to happen? I started to ask myself hard questions. I started saying out loud in prayer and affirmation, what I genuinely wanted to experience when it came to love. When the hard questions made me look at lingering wounds and insecurities, I allowed myself the grace to be sad. I cried. A Lot. I've spent weeks doing more crying an shadow work than anyone truly knows. A good bit around love.

And love is a part of our journey, material and spiritual. Love is the truest of the emotions. The idea that our romantic life can't be a part of our spiritual journey and ascension, simply sounds ridiculous. Every aspect of our life is for our growth, including who we partner with romantically.

I also had to let go of the end game expectation. This particular one came directly from Yehshua honestly. I got a message about allow the love to simply unfold. Abraham Hicks then echoed that sentiment in a video I was listening to. We get so hung up in wondering if this person is our wife, husband, twin flame (which everyone does not have one), soul mate, etc. that we can't simply enjoy what is. And that was (and still is) a challenge.

We grow up, especially us womb holders, being told how marriage is the goal. Not love. Marriage. So, that's where we are looking. We are not looking at the here and now. We are constantly focused on will this person be with me forever. Not realizing, we are meant to love unconditionally. Meaning, the condition of forever should not be considered. Only now. Today. Who this person is. Do they fit in your life now? Understanding that if this love is for a season, it doesn't make it any less DIVINE. It simply isn't forever. Their higher self will love you forever, even if your physical experience is only brief (in human standards).

That was one of the first things I had to do though. Let go of, is he my husband. Acknowledging that right now, he is my divine counterpart. (The way my whole face broke into a smile just now.)

I also had to focus on the things that I most enjoyed about our connection and not what I didn't. I'll be honest, there is really only one major hurdle for us. And I feel like with some creativity that can be demolished. Still, I could not let that be what defined us. It has been the thing that probably got in the way previously. So, would I stay on the hamster wheel or get off this time? I sat at my altar and affirmed, I'm getting off the hamster wheel.

I also let go of the idea that I can't have it all. Coaches, people in general, will tell you that you should not expect all of the characteristics of your ideal partner in one person. I have one question. Why? See, if this person was born, created, by the Most High, for me, then how could he/she/they not be all of my desires and needs? Is there an actual limit on how awesome the Creator can create?

I do love readings the way that I do because we often don't consider what our Soul wants to experience in love. If I do a love reading, I don't answer should you be with so and so. I tell you what your soul wants to experience in love at this time. What desires did you incarnate with? What needs your heart wants met in relationships? Knowing those things will then let you discern if this connection is for you or not.

When I look at my soul, my favorite self's desires and needs. Wow! What's even more beautiful is how the universe has been leading me here.

When you focus on what you desire, the Universe starts to work on it. I looked at the people (men and women) I loved. I can see the crescendo of traits if you will. It's challenging because the closer that person is, the stronger the connection will be. However, if that person is not the person, you may not be meant to be with them forever. That's ok though. We look at what we learned so that the next connection is even more beautiful.

If I were to run my list, I can tell you who in my life (even now) currently carries what traits. I'll tell you that freedom and stability are what I desire in equal measure on a soul level. I realize that I stopped being free in both of those relationships. I asked my love a question recently and his answer caught me so off guard. It caught me off guard because I could not fathom my ex having a positive response. His answer was simply, "I trust you."

Still, old habits die hard right? I caught myself behaving like I lived with him. I say that as in, I caught myself not moving. See in the past I would be home. That's what I did. I'm home. They went out and lived and whatever. I stayed home.

I caught myself doing this out of fear of making plans and he being free and I'm not. I was like "OMG I'm going to miss out." It never dawned on me that the feeling could be mutual. It never dawned on me that maybe it was an irrational fear. When, I don't operate in my freedom, I create blockages. Not God. Not the Universe. Me. I give momentum to the negative outcome, and thus attract that which I don't want.

Every single time, I am moving in my truth and freedom, he appears in some capacity. A call, a text. Something will occur that says I opened the way for his energy to comingle with mine more directly. It will always be synchronistic. It happens in such a way that I know I shifted some energy.

It's not the easiest thing to do, breaking old habits. I've had to force myself to hold on for the greater good. It's like withdrawal in a way. You want to do that thing you've always done so badly it's visceral. I got physically ill trying to not do something. However, I was intent on trusting my intuition that I had to do it different this time. The result, a very strong prayer answered. I cried at my altar. Everything in me said my spiritual team was cheering for me.

I'll share this one last thing before your inspired action. I watched a pick a card once that said I would not meet "the one" if I didn't see myself worthy of him. I would inevitably push him away if we were to come together sooner.

Years ago, when we first met, I didn't feel worthy. I received what I felt worthy of at the time. Still, we kept finding our way back to each other. Each time, I had grown a little more. Worthy though, I didn't feel.

You have your high school sweetheart and then there's the crush. Sometimes they are in and the same. Not in my case. He was someone I crushed on hard. The mention of his name made me grin stupidly. Still does. He wasn't a crush I spoke about. He was someone I kept to myself for the most part. The brief time I did share, we weren't in each other's space that long.

Still, a thought. A dream. He would never be far. This time is different though. I know I deserve him. I know I was already worthy, I'm simply aware of it now.

Am I saying he is the one like forever? Not necessarily. Like I said earlier, the expectation of him being anything more than the man that loves me... releasing. I won't lie and say I don't fantasize about what forever could be like. He feels good to me. I like having him in my orbit. I would enjoy him remaining there.

I just feel worthy of him, and anyone else. He is the one that reaps the benefits of this awareness. And he will be for as long as we can.

Inspired action for you. Look at love as simply love. Do not limit your experience to simply the task of gaining a spouse. Simply as a love, a partner, in life, your life, now. Be grateful to the loves of old. Give gratitude for the lessons you learned (or were meant to learn). Give gratitude for the qualities that drew you together. Let the Universe know, ok... almost there. Be grateful in love. Allow that journey to be richer and more fulfilling.

For those interested in love divination I do those using astrology (birth time and location needed for the most accurate information) and numerology combined with cards and channeled guidance. Book a free 15 minute consultation to learn more.

Thanks as always for reading. Leave a comment below on your own love learnings.