I look at the cover of this blog and think how badly I desire this for myself. How much I would love to consistently have a close knit group of women, black women, that I can call sisters. Even the relationship with my own biological sisters, I would love it to be like this.
A Facebook memory triggered me this morning. It was a memory of the Goddess Gathering. Oh how proud I was to do this. I thought it was an amazing idea. I realize this. That image, even the imagery I used, was what I wanted more than anything. Just a day, a time, a space to have a group of women come and fellowship, share, laugh, cry, and ascend together.
I think trauma caused me to reject my Divine Feminine energy early on. It was potent as a very little girl. And it always seemed like it was a problem. So, I tried to dial it down. All I really managed to minimize was being super girlie (not the same thing as feminine). Still, I was trying to reject it and that was the point.
And since I didn't really have an idea of feminine vs girl or woman... it manifested as being rejected by women, especially black women. In 3rd grade, my teacher never thought I was good enough. I had the highest grades in class but she regularly told my parents I needed to do more to stand out. I needed to be in programs that my parents just could not afford to put me in. She wanted me to be like Nikki. She was a beautiful, long haired, blond, blue eyed, white girl.
My black, natural hair in my youth was almost to my back when my baby sitter said I needed to have a perm in my hair. I always thought I wasn't pretty enough as I was. I loved my hair long. What happened was a burn so severe it covered almost my entire scalp. It would be decades before my hair would touch my shoulders again. (2022 to be exact) I was not quite 10 a the time.
The boy in my 7th grade class that assaulted me went back to school and told everyone. I overheard him at a lunch table filled with little black an brown girls. I heard them laugh. (If any of you ask me directly I will tell you who. I just won't say here)
It's funny, as a child and teen it was always white girls that called me pretty. It wasn't that I had no black girls as friends, but it was always simply a sprinkle. Maybe 2 at a time. Two seemed like the magic number back then.
I got older, started going out. Then started working at clubs, bartending, doing parties. I think when I was dating women exclusively, that was the most women I was around at once. Yet, those were some of my biggest heartbreaks.
Eventually, realizing I am bi.... that group began to dwindle. And I was back to a sprinkle.
As I've gotten older, wiser, and more connected to what I'm manifesting, I can see how that very early seed grew until a forest of weeds. Thus, I attracted connections that were not the healthiest. And my heart was hurt. So fear of rejection set in.
Now, it's easy for women to come to me, in need. And once that need is fulfilled they go back to where they were. At this moment, in terms of longevity, there is only 1, consistent, black woman friend, in my life. And she doesn't live here.
People would think my biggest heart breaks should be men... they are big but...
A woman I loved stole all the money I had to live on
A woman I gave a home too took me for granted and I subsequently lost my home
A woman I called friend flirted and/or slept with almost everyone I cared for
A woman told me the woman I had a crush on was out of my league and would never give me the time of day
A woman said I'll be there, on a day I needed her most, and never showed up
I have been stood up by more women in my life than men
Women are quick to say, OMG I'm so excited to see you... and that be it. No action. No showing up. It just sounds good to say
I have given more free readings/divination to women and only a handful actually will hype me up or leave me a review ... Irony the ones that hype me up the most have never actually gotten a reading of any kind from me
Women come to me because they know I'll listen. Yet even if I tell them what to try they don't. It's like I just need some of this energy and I'm good now.
I could go on, but... I am ready to let it go. A woman I love and respect posted quality over quantity the other day. I think it hit this morning. I want to host the Goddess Gathering again some day. I really do. But, I think I'm finally ready to let go of how many want to share space and be more appreciative of who.
I am going to have an AMAZING show in November. Period. Who wants to enjoy themselves will be greatly appreciated and have the time of their life. I release any attachment to anything else. I'm showing up, showing out, and ascended. It's going to be beautiful.
I'm going to host an ancestor veneration event for my people. It will be beautiful and amazing.
I forgive every woman that has ever broken my trust, my heart. I forgive myself for rejecting myself as a woman. I LOVE being a black woman. I am literally Goddess on Earth. I am Her reflection and mirror. So is everyone I come across. As I love myself I am now attracting purer connections. I let go of past experiences that left me untrusting of women and creating inconsistent connections in my life. I am on a new journey, new timeline. I attracting honest, loving, and healthy connections.
I love you. If you are reading this I love you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for the part your soul chose to play in my life.