Depression & Rage| Medicine of My Spiritual Life

Black Woman crying lightning

Disclaimers:

This is not medical advice. This is my own personal experiece. Go to therapy. I totally wish that I had a therapist to support me in moments slike this. Take your meds. I may no longer be on medication, but that is my personal jourey. Care for your mental health in the ways that you need to.

Timing

This morning I am hosting my first personal Oshun festsival. Seems fitting that I would be honoring the Orisha of sweetness at a time when I need that more than ever.

It's also he week before my Odunfa. Again, the timing is not lost upon me. A new year, I can not bring old energy into that space.

Rage and Depression

My Odu Ifa (both Life Plan and Itefa) speak about my emotions. I recently received a full breakdown of my Odu and in both it ays that I carry a sea of emotions on the inside that I do not always share. I'm prone to saying I'm ok when inside is the complete opposite.

I remember being at work when we were hosting a lunch and learn about Mental Health. It was Mental Health Awareness Month. I came out and told the group that I was dealing with depression. (I now know I also had anxiety.)

They were all shocked. Like I could not possibly be depressed. I came to work. I smiled. LOL. My ability to mask should be studied. It's quite impressive. I told them how often I would hide in my car at night to scream, wail, and cry.

I shared how I was in therapy. How hard it was for me to turn off my feelings so that I could function.

Ironically, I ended up on anti depressants because of something else. The timing was just perfect. I couldn't function on them though. I spent a good bit of time not working because I couldn't handle the meds.

Finding, or rediscovering physically, spirituality is what helped move the needle for me. I ultimately ended up off all the medication I was on.

Spirituality in general, Ifa, and subsequently Ori truly changed things for me. It's not that life is all roses. It's not that I don't have moments anymore. It's that I recogize something is wrong and fight my way to move outof it.

I thought not feeling was the medicine. It's not. Especially not for me. My Odu Ifa goes into grand and explicit detail on the hazards of me being dishonest about my true feelings.

Truthfully, still, there are moments.

I can't always share that truth when folks ask me.

For some, they can't know when I'm in the throws of it. Even in being honest, I still have to be discerning about who is allowed in that space with me.

That's the hard part. I can't just pick up the phone and tell whomever that I am having a moment and need some support. I'm acutely aware of that and Ifa has indicated I simply can not.

So what do I do.

First... I am human.

Remove the titles, I'm still a black woman, single mom, trying to move from survival to thriving. When I am having a moment, it is still A MOMENT.

Yesterday I was functioning just enough to look functional.

I even walked someone through an Odu breakdown while in the thick of what I was feeling.

I couldn't teach though.

It took me all day to sit at the mat and cast and Odu for myself.

I moved in supremely slow motion almost the entire day.

I didn't share very many TikToks.

I was just here, but not.

I could not ... move.

So where was I? Drowning in rage and sadness. And drowning is a perfect analogy. Have you ever cried, almost constantly, for close to 8 hours? I did. I cried all day. And admist the crying it was wrath. Ifa always tells me to be mindful of my anger. Definitely a sterotype of several of my Orisha LOL.

I wanted to yell, scream, cuss, and let myself fly into a rage.

And admist all of that rage, I wanted to be held.

I wanted to be protected.

I wanted to feel safe.

I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel protected.

And I felt completely without support.

At least in human form.

I felt so ... tired. I cried to the point of being exhausted.

And cussing and yelling. It only feels freeing to me in the moment.

If I'm alone, my blood pressure spikes.

If I bottle it up... my blood pressure spikes.

All I wanted so to be able to call on someone, ANYONE, and have them hold the line for me.

I am both not and fully aware of my own energetic potential. A priestess of Sango inadvertently found out during an offering. She told me I should warn people of the storm I'm carrying wihtin me. I just smiled and shrugged. I'm somewhat in denial of it, and respect it's capacity to destroy.

Yesterday I wanted both destruction and protection. It was like my light and shadow both wanting to rise to the surface and be witnessed.

So who won? I did.

Or I'm in a winning process.

What did I do?

What was I upset about? Like truly. I sat with that. I was honest about how I felt and why.

Then I let myself cry. I cried. I cried. I cried a lot.

And I listened

I listened to what my Ori is trying to let me see.

And I heard...

Sit with Ifa.

Sit with my Odu.

Give my ebo.

Amd be honest about my feelings.

When I was preparing for the chat with my student, I went ahead and opened the space. When I kneeled in front of my Ifa my feelings just poured out.

I just cried.

I weeped.

By the time I felt her about to login, I felt a bit more peace.

When we were talking, the Odu spoke to me as well. And I had an aha moment.

When we were through I was about to sit and listen.

I knew what to do.

Give the ebo.

I sat there for a bit more before closing up.

Ordered some of the materials. Immediately felt the, "this is what I NEEDED"

Closed up and I went back to listen to my Odu Ifa. I needed to be reminded of my energy and my path.

I am living in a moment highlighted by my Odu Ifa, my Life Plan.

So what do I need to do?

Ask Ifa what I am meant to learn so that this does NOT spin the block again.

This is the last time this particular situation happens again.

I also realized that the protection, the care, that I so despeately wanted...

I need to give it to myself FIRST

It's not that I will NEVER have it from my humans.

It's that I MUST give it to myself first.

This morning... I still have lingering feelings.

The rage is gone. Dissappointment is still present.

I'm hoping that holding space to celebrate Oshun will help in my personal healing process.

This morning, after we go to the river and pick up trash, I'm going to do some self care for my Ori and my Ara. Feel better.

I hate feeling like this.

I am also supremely grateful that I have a spiritual lifestyle that reminds me I'm supported, even if there are no humans to be found.

What about my sons?

I am mindful of my energy so that they don't absorb what I'm feeling.

They did support me as little Awo and I am grateful for that.

I share this as a reminder that Iyas, Babas, we ar still people. We still have highs and lows like everyone else. We still need support when we get there to move our way out of those lows.

How has learning your destiny, living in your path, and living spiritual lifestyle supported your mental health?